Fix You
by letthestarsfall
Summary: A Ruth Fic "I blinked my eyes open again and saw the familiar ceiling of Holby city hospital, I'd failed..." Pretty much AU Starting as Ruth wakes up after her Suicide attempt. The Rating may change for future chapters. On Hold
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I Don't own Casualty or any of the Characters :(

Fix You 

Chapter 1 

_Blackness filled every inch of my head, everything felt fuzzy like someone had stuffed my head full of cotton wool but slowly everything was becoming clearer, I could hear a faint mumbling and something that sounded like the pages of a book being turned. Intrigued by the noises around me I tried to open my eyes but they met with a light that was so bright it made my head spin so I pressed them shut again. Slowly I became aware of something around my face and a faint beeping reached my ears. Suddenly I began to remember, the preparations, writing in my diary, kicking the chair away from under my feet the wonderful feeling as everything became blurry and faded away__…__ I blinked my eyes open again and saw the familiar ceiling of Holby city hospital, I__'__d failed. _

A/n: Its a bit of a short first chapter but its just a litle bit of an introduction really i'll post the first full chapter tomorrow if I can since its already pretty much finished :)


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I Don't own Casualty or the Characters :(

Fix You

Chapter 2 

Toby De Silva nervously opened the door into the Private intensive care unit room where fellow F2 doctor Ruth Winters was lying motionless. The beeping of the machines keeping Ruth alive filled Toby's ears as he shut the door quietly behind himself, he nodded to the nurse who was writing on a clipboard as he sat down at Ruth's bedside. He rubbed his hands awkwardly as he took in the lines and drips attached to her pale skin. He was used to seeing patients with drips and bandages and all sorts of injuries but seeing someone he knew lying in the bed in front of him was a whole different story. His eyes flickered over the red raw skin around her neck and he felt his throat swell up and tears well up in his eyes. He pushed the tears back and coughed a little before started talk to Ruth instead.

"Um.. Sorry its taking me so long to come and see you." Toby started his voice sounded a little choked up still like he was still trying to stop himself from crying. "Um.." He started again trying to think of something to talk to Ruth about, he was saved from having to think of a topic as Maggie entered the room.

"Hey" Maggie said softly as she joined Toby by Ruth's bedside "Harry, Um.. Harry Wanted Ruth to have this back" Maggie told Toby placing a plastic bag containing a thick leather bound book on Ruth's bed. Toby nodded and there was an awkward silence between the two of them before Maggie excused herself.

"Mr Harper thinks we're going to be bloody good doctors." Toby told her suddenly as he tried to think of something he could tell her "He's gone Ruth, Harry's gone" He informed her, his eyes flickered down to the book in the plastic bag, intrigued he picked it up and unwrapped it carefully.

He pulled out the leather bound book form inside the plastic bag and paused as he examined the gold writing on the front debating on whether he should actually read Ruth's Diary or not, he was about to put it down when the thought that it could be his only chance to find out the truth behind the mystery that was Ruth was too tempting for him to pass by. He carefully opened the book and started flipping through slowly, his eyes scanned each page taking in certain phrases piecing together little bits of Ruth's past as he went,

_3 Promises I make to myself:_

_My Past stays in the past _

_No relationships or friendships _

_Be the best doctor I can _

_I hate him so much I thought I__'__d finally got away from him, I was wrong. I can__'__t believe he tried to hit me again in the middle of the ED, he__'__s not changed a bit no matter what he says though I should know that I learnt to not take his word for anything years again. _

_I can__'__t believe I agreed to swap the blood sample he deserves to be locked away in prison with Jonathon. It__'__s where they both belong and I could have put him there. I know if I hadn__'__t done it he__'__d have found away to hurt me now he knows where I am. I hope I never see him again, but knowing him now he knows where I__'__m working he__'__ll be back soon for something. _

_It made me think about my own mother, I really needed her and she left me and she really wanted to go there was no way she could have lived after swallowing that many pills__…__ But I suppose it meant at least one of us got out of that house. _

_Maybe I__'__m a bit of a geek myself._

_How am I supposed to explain to them that the only Christmas present I__'__ve ever had were whatever my stupid alcoholic father could get for a fiver off the kids off the estate? _

_First Bambi now Chuckles? I don__'__t want anyone calling me nicknames ever again. _

_I Killed someone, Why didn__'__t I check for head injuries? Just because my dad is a stupid drunk and I thought that man was too was no reason to not act professionally and give him a full check over, why am I so stupid? _

_I think mum had the right idea, the only way to make everything stop is to end it. _

Toby sighed sadly before flicking through the book some more when he spotted his own name.

"A doughnut" he read aloud "A silver spoon in every orifice" suddenly his sympathy was disappearing as he ready thing things Ruth had written about him "Public school boy staple of the British health care system." he read aloud. "At least they taught us punctuation" he added irritably as he became annoyed by what he was reading "chinless" He stopped reading the diary and looked at her instead.

"I like you, When I first met you I thought you were saucy looking, you had little down-turned mouth and you were so nasty to me" he said shutting the book "But the nastier you were the more I had to find out why but now I know why, you don't like public school boys do you? And the irony is that's not a down-turned mouth is it? You may be beautiful, you may be a wonder, but if any one of us is chinless…"

It only took one look at her looking so pale and fragile to melt his heart again the anger that head just been building up inside him disappeared and it was replaced by sadness again.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Toby asked her still figure "I've made mistakes too, we could have talked…" his eyes flooded with tears "You could have talked to me Ruth" Toby wiped away a stray tear and suddenly noticed Ruth's eye lids were opening.

"Ruth?" Toby asked quickly he paused wondering what to do for a second before he sprung to his feet and headed over to the door "Doctor!" he yelled as he reached the door "Can I have some help here please?"

"Ok, Ruth? Can you hear me?" He asked softly gripping her arm gently "Ruth, Can you hear me?" he asked again searching her face for signs of life. As he watched her motionless face he felt her hand moving under his fingers, he looked down and watched as she pulled her arm from his grasp, her eyes opening again.

"What's the problem?" a voice asked from the door Toby looked up the see the Doctor

"She waking up" Toby told him straightening up from his position leaning over Ruth's bed.

The Doctor immediately joined his side.

"Miss Winter's can you here me?" He asked, Toby watched nervously as she nodded. "My names Doctor Porter, you've been in a comatose state for over a month now so I'd like you to stay as still as possible while we check you over" Doctor Porter said as a nurse joined them in the room.

"I'll go…" Toby said nervously "I better go an tell everyone she's awake" he quickly slipped out of the room glancing through the window as he passed to see the nurse checking Ruth's obs.

A/n I know I said I'd post this tomorrow but I changed my mind, I know some of this chapter was pretty much the same as the episode where Ruth wakes up but I wanted to do my own twist too it and include some more feelings and thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I Don't own Casualty or the Characters :(

Fix You

Chapter 3

It had been 2 days, 4 hours, and 16 minutes since Ruth had come round from the coma. Once she had been assessed she had been moved out of the private intensive care room onto a medium security psychiatric ward, where, as one of the nurses had put it, she could recover physically whilst still being in a safe place where she couldn't hurt herself. She was already fed up, She couldn't do anything for herself, she had to be watched whilst doing nearly everything, even when she went to the toilet a nurse would have to stand outside the door. The ward was permanently locked and Ruth watched as the nurses used special swipe cards to enter and exit, even the windows were barred, in Ruth's opinion it seemed more like a prison than a hospital ward. There was always a nurse watching over her and the other patients on the ward, every ten minutes they would look in on her even throughout the night when they would shine a touch on her to check she was still ok. The checks were something she was beginning to find more and more irritating, she was a doctor the nurses shouldn't be bossing her around she should be bossing them around.

However Ruth didn't bother protesting, she knew it wouldn't get her anywhere instead she accepted the situation. She watched over the top of her magazine as one of the other patients argued with one of the nurses, sighing her eyes flicked back down to the un-interesting magazine, she really didn't care who was wearing the best dress and who looked like they just got dragged out from a bush, but she had nothing better to read especially since had had her textbooks taken off her because she was supposed to be 'resting' and 'recovering' not desperately trying to study every hour of the day to make up for the hands on experience she was missing. Ruth closed the Magazine irritably, she hated doing nothing, that was one of the things she loved about being a doctor, she was always on the go, there was always someone who needed her. She liked being able to help people who actually wanted to be helped, back when she used to clean up after her alcoholic father and useless brother she had never felt like they appreciated what she did for them but when a patient left thanking her with a stitched up wound or a bandaged injury she felt like she'd helped them and achieved something. She didn't want to waste her life like her father, she wanted to prove to herself she was nothing like that waste of space. She sighed sadly she tried, she tried so hard but people still died because of her. A tear escaped her left and trickled down her face.

She wiped away the stray tear trying to compose herself before one of the nurses came running over to make sure she wasn't having some sort of mental breakdown. She just couldn't stand to fail, it was the only thing that had been important to her since her mother died and she had to deal with her father and brother alone, she had promised herself she would never become like him, she would make something of her life, she doctors had intrigued her when she was in the A&E as they fixed up her drunken father after he had given himself alcohol poisoning, they worked so hard, they patched people up and more importantly they helped them. From that moment on she wanted to become a doctor, not just an average one but the best doctor she could. Her interest in becoming a doctor only grew as the years passed and she worked hard getting top marks in every class, ignoring the bullies, ignoring the nicknames, ignoring everything just working toward her goal of becoming a doctor. She only got into university because her hard work paid off and she won a scholarship. But now after all that hard work she just couldn't stop messing up, she was never going to be a good doctor. She just wanted to save people. She couldn't save her own mother but she could save other peoples relatives, though right now she hadn't been making a very good job of it. Another tear fell down her cheek which she quickly wiped away, as she did so the doors of the ward opened and to Ruth's surprise Abs entered followed by an extremely nervous looking Toby. She looked over them hoping they wouldn't be able to tell she had been crying.

"How are you feeling?" Abs asked as they reached her bed and took seats next to her.

"I'm fine" Ruth replied sharply

"You can't try and kill yourself and then just be fine" Abs pointed out

"Look I am, Really, I just want to get out of here, get back to normal" Ruth replied a little less sharply cursing the fact that Abs was the kind of guy who would just keep asking probing questions until he got the answer he wanted.

"Ok then" Abs replied with a nod knowing she wasn't going to tell him anything else. He produced a card which he handed to Ruth, "Everyone down in the ED sent this"

"Oh thanks" Ruth said putting the card on her bedside table without opening it.

Toby coughed nervously, he'd not seen Ruth since the day she had woken up when he had read her diary. He looked her over thinking about the things she had experienced in her short life. There were so many questions he wanted to ask but he knew she would never willingly answer them. But that didn't stop her still being extremely intriguing to him.

"Erm.. Everyone misses you" Toby said quietly looking quite uncomfortable obviously not knowing what to say to her.

"I'm sure they do" Ruth shook her head "I'm sure they miss me being a complete bitch to them" Toby started to open his mouth "Don't" Ruth said quickly "I know no one in the department thinks of me as anything else so don't even try and pretend, no one really cares what happens to me" she added looking down at her hands.

"Of course they do" Toby told her "I care, so does everyone" he stood back up clearly uncomfortable with being in Ruth's presence, Ruth herself looked over him wondering why he seemed to be looking at her differently "I best get going I said I'd help Adam in cubicles as soon as I got back"

"Ok mate, I'll see you in a bit" Abs said giving Toby a small worried half smile as he wondered off wiping his eyes trying to not let Abs or Ruth notice..

"You know he's been really worried about you, he's not lying everyone in the ED has been really worried about you" Abs informed her as the ward door shut.

"Whatever" Ruth snapped

"Look Ruth can't you at least try and hold a reasonable conversation, you don't have to keep snapping at me." Abs asked irritably "Toby is in pieces about what happened to you, he hasn't stopped worrying about you and questioning whether he could have done something to help you since you were admitted."

"Come off it Abs, I mean nothing to him or any of you, you'd all be better off if I hadn't woken up." Ruth said harshly despite the fact her heart leapt a little at the thought of Toby worrying about her so much, but she ignored it. Rule number 2 No Relationships or Friendships.

"We found you" Abs admitted quickly

"What?" Ruth asked confused, Abs and Toby had found her, why on earth were they even at her flat?

"We'd popped round to yours to try and get you to come out for a drink" Abs informed her "When you didn't answer and your pager went off from inside we thought you were just ignoring us so we burst in..."

"Oh" Ruth said quietly she hadn't thought about who would find her, she had found her mum and it had been horrible, she remembered sobbing over her mothers lifeless body desperately wishing she'd wake up. She shook off the memory and looked back up at Abs with tears in her eyes "He shouldn't have seen that" Ruth said emotionlessly her heart leapt a little "You shouldn't have either but Toby's so…" she trailed off not being able to think of the best word for Toby "it can't have been a nice thing to see, I remember when I…" she carried on but then quickly trailed off again. Rule number 1 the past is the past.

"When you what Ruth?" Abs asked softly wondering what she was thinking.

"Nothing" Ruth snapped shaking off the thoughts and the tears that had been welling up in her eyes "Look please could you go I need to rest"

"Ok" Abs agreed standing up "But maybe you should think about accepting the friendship people try and offer you, you'd be surprised."

"And what if I don't want friends" Ruth replied bitterly

"That's your choice but one day you will regret it." Abs shrugged "Not everyone is out to hurt you." he added before leaving her bedside leaving her slightly puzzled about how he had worked out the reason she didn't let anyone close.

A/n: I wasn't going to post this yet but then I realised I might not have internet for awhile as I'm moving back to uni tomorrow! Hopefully the internet will be working when I get there but I could not be so just incase here's the next chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I Don't own Casualty or the Characters :(

Fix You

Chapter 4 

The next few days passed slowly and soon it had nearly been a week since Ruth had woken up and been moved to the ward. She hadn't had any other visitors, not that Ruth cared, she was quite glad that no one else had come to visit as she really didn't want anyone's sympathy in fact the only thing she really wished was that she had managed to succeed in killing herself.

As Ruth flicked through a magazine one of the Nurses opened the door to the ward with her swipe card. Ruth peeked over her magazine out of curiosity and sighed irritably as she spotted Toby nervously entering the ward.

"Hey Ruth" Toby said nervously scratching the back of his head

"Visiting time isn't until two." Ruth replied simply placing her magazine on her knee.

"My favourite magazine was always the Beano" Toby said picking up the magazine Ruth had just put down. She could see he was trying to make conversation. "I always wanted to be like Dennis the menace" he smiled slight as Ruth choked back a laugh

"When in reality you were more like Walter the softy?" she said with a small laugh as the nervous smile faded from Toby's face.

"This is what I wanted to talk to you about." Toby said suddenly

"What the Beano?" Ruth asked sarcastically raising an eyebrow

"No your attitude to me." Toby responded wiping the small smile off Ruth's face "I read your diary…"

"I know" Ruth replied her stomach did a little flip as she wondered exactly how much Toby had read. "I heard…" she muttered under her breath as she recalled waking up and hearing Toby reading aloud certain lines from her diary.

"Well its just I think that…" Toby started nervously "Well I've tried so hard to be nice to you and well maybe you could try and be nice back, I know you've had some problems in the past and don't want to get close to anyone but…"

"You don't know anything about me!" Ruth snapped interrupting Toby "Don't you dare tell me what to do!"

"What are you doing?" Toby asked as Ruth jumped out of bed and pulled a bag from her bedside cabinet.

"I've had enough, I'm discharging myself!" Ruth said sharply

"But you cant…" Toby started

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do!" Ruth yelled completely loosing her temper at Toby

"But…" Toby tried again

"Just go!" Ruth snapped

"Please Ruth…" Toby said softly

"Go!" Ruth Told him looking up from her suitcase as one of the nurses approached

"Ok" Toby said worriedly Taking a step back "I'll go, you know where to find me if you need anything…"

"Why would I need anything from you?" Ruth asked "Just go Toby"

"Sorry" Toby muttered, half to the nurse, half to Ruth as he left her bedside.

-

"She's discharging herself?" Maggie asked worriedly as Toby informed her of what had just happened on the ward.

"Yeah she just flipped and said she was discharging herself" Toby sighed

"Where's she going to go when she's discharged herself?" Maggie wondered aloud

"She's obviously not going to go back to stay with her parents or anything and There's no way she can go back to her flat, she needs people around her to support her." Toby said concerned "It must be so lonely in student accommodation, and what if she…"

"Well I still have a spare room" Maggie suggested "How about I go and see if I can persuade her to stay with us?"

"You can try but its Ruth she probably wont accept it." Toby pointed out

"Don't worry Toby Leave it to me, you get back to work, it'll be fine" Maggie smiled reassuringly placing a reassuring hand on Toby's shoulder.

-

Ruth was packed and ready to go, all that stood between her and leaving the ward were the discharge forms that one of the Nurses had gone to fetch. Rather than making a scene and insisting on leaving right away she had agreed to wait for the forms. She looked up hopefully at the doors to the ward as the opened only to seen Maggie Cauldwell entering the ward instead of the Blonde nurse who had gone to fetch the discharge forms.

"Hey" Maggie said softly, Ruth immediately detected a hint of nervousness in the older woman's voice.

"Hi" Ruth replied emotionlessly

"Toby said you were discharging yourself" Maggie said looking at Ruth's bag

"Yeah I'm just waiting for them to bring the forms" Ruth shrugged

"Are you sure your ready to leave…" Maggie started

"Yes" Ruth snapped

"Where are you going to stay?" Maggie asked

"What do you mean where am I going to stay?" Ruth asked

"You can't stay back at halls, you need people around you to support you.." Maggie suggested

"I'll be fine." Ruth told her quickly

"Look you could always stay at mine, I have plenty of space.." Maggie offered kindly

"I couldn't" Ruth replied

"Please Ruth you can't just go back to halls…" Maggie told her

"I can" Ruth said defiantly though inside she knew she really didn't want to go back to halls, it wasn't exactly the best place to be or the cheapest. "Look I'm sorry Maggie but I don't fancy becoming another one of your good causes" Ruth protested

"You wont be, we just want you to know there are people around you that you can talk to if you need it, plus we could both do with some proper company it can get a little lonely round the house with everyone doing their own thing" Maggie said offering her a small smile "and Toby is… a little…" Maggie started trying to think of the best word to describe him "Immature" Ruth smiled a little

"Yeah" Ruth agreed "He is"

"Joanne's not much better and then Lana isn't even old enough to hold a proper conversation…" Maggie commented "How about it?" Maggie asked again "I don't want you to be a 'good cause', You'd be doing me a favour and we can help each other."

Ruth paused, She really didn't want to go back to halls and she couldn't afford it really either since she had missed over a month of work and she had no better offers. Maybe living at Maggie's wouldn't be too bad, temporarily at least.

"Ok" Ruth agreed reluctantly "But only until I'm back on my feet"

"Great" Maggie smiled pulling Ruth into a hug which she didn't return "How about I get the rest of the day off give you a lift back so you can settle right in."

"Um.. Sure" Ruth agreed

Maggie left the ward to go and change and inform someone in the emergency department that she was taking the afternoon off she then returned upstairs to Ruth and the pair sat in a nervous and awkward silence while they waited for the paper work. As soon as everything was sorted, the paper work was signed and Ruth had been handed a bag of anti depressants that she had been prescribed, she was free to leave. Maggie led the way to her car while Ruth trailed along behind thinking the next few weeks would be the longest and most awkward of her life.

A/n: Sorry It took longer than I thought to get up I've just been busy since I got back to uni and I completely forgot to update! The next chapter will be up asap (probably before Monday at some point)


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I Don't own Casualty or the Characters :(

Fix You

Chapter 5 

The car ride back to Maggie's only took fifteen minutes but to Ruth it felt like an hour. They eventually pulled up outside a row of smart looking old Victorian terrace houses. Maggie led a nervous Ruth from the up to the door of number 12.

"Here we are" Maggie smiled as she unlocked the door. Ruth offered her a nervous small smile as she stepped inside. Ruth looked round Maggie's house nervously as Maggie led her round the downstairs room showing her briefly where everything was before leading her towards the stairs. The House itself immediately had a homey feel, unlike the flat she had grown up in and everything was fairly tidy, bar the odd pile of papers or coat tossed on a chair. Once at the top of the stairs Maggie led Ruth into a room to the left.

"This will be your room" Maggie told Ruth a she opened the door "I hope it'll be ok for you"

"It'll be fine" Ruth said quickly "Thanks" she added as a bit of an after thought as her eyes flickered around the room, it was much more homely than her room in halls or even her room at home.

"I can give you a lift to Halls later today if you want to pick anything up that you might need." Maggie offered kindly

"Ok" Ruth nodded "I could do with my text books…"

"Text books?" Maggie asked "Ruth you need to recover…"

"I need to keep up…" Ruth said quickly trying not to snap at Maggie

"Just don't do too much ok?" Maggie said reluctantly "You're a brilliant doctor already you don't need to push yourself so hard all of the time."

"I don't push myself too hard" Ruth snapped defensively as Maggie shook her head

"I'll leave you to sort yourself out then, once your ready come downstairs to the kitchen and we can head over to halls if you want." Maggie suggested

"Ok" Ruth agreed quickly as Maggie gave her a small smile before leaving the room.

After Maggie left Ruth sat down on the bed rubbing her the side of her neck, her fingers tracing over the rope burn marks that were slowly fading on the side of it. She sighed sadly, how long could she keep this up? She could try and revise more, try and improve but then after years of work she still was still not getting very far, she was still a useless doctor. All she could do was try.

Quickly Ruth unpacked her bag, into the old fashioned oak draws and headed downstairs to the kitchen where Maggie was sipping on a cup of coffee.

"Ready to go already?" Maggie asked

"Yeah" Ruth replied her fingers unconsciously running over her neck again

"I'll just be a second" Maggie nodded before taking a long drink from the cup as a bang echoed through the house. "That'll be Joanne" she informed Ruth.

"Mum?!" Joanne's voice echoed through into the kitchen "are you in?"

"In the kitchen" Maggie yelled back rolling her eyes slightly, Ruth watched as Joanne appeared holding baby Lana who was gurgling happily.

"Oh I'm so glad your home could you look after Lana for the afternoon?" Joanne asked

"Why? What are you doing?" Maggie asked putting her now empty cup down on the side and taking the gurgling baby off Joanne.

"Job hunting" Joanne replied simply but something told Ruth she was lying

"Oh, ok I suppose I can" Maggie sighed stoking the baby's hair fondly

"Great! Thanks Mum you're the best" Joanne smiled

"By the way Joanne this is Ruth Winters" Maggie said quickly as she remembered Ruth was there "She's the other F2 in the Emergency department and she's going to be staying here for awhile"

"Oh hi" Joanne said quickly not even bothering to really look over at Ruth "I've got to get off, thanks again Mum" she added before promptly leaving the room.

"Sorry about that" Maggie apologised to Ruth "Looks like Lana will be tagging along to help get your stuff."

"Its ok" Ruth shrugged she didn't really mind, as long as she didn't have to look after the baby, she had never been very good with kids.

"Lets get moving" Maggie suggested bouncing the little girl in her arms gently

-

A few hours later Ruth had picked up everything she owned from her room in halls and unpacked most of her stuff in her new room at Maggie's. She was halfway through a chapter on treating and identifying head injuries, something she thought she defiantly needed to revise again after what had happened a few weeks ago, When she heard the front door shut and a familiar voice echoing softly through the house. She put her book down and headed over to her bedroom door.

"Busy day?" Ruth heard Maggie's voice say as it drifted up the stairs

"Just a bit" Toby's voice replied before pausing for a minute "How is she?" he asked quietly

"She seems ok, she's insisting on trying to do work…" Maggie responded

"Work?!" Toby asked sounding vaguely shocked "She only just got out of hospital…"

"Well maybe she just wants to take her mind off things buy burying herself in work" Maggie suggested

"Or maybe she's pushing herself to hard." Toby shrugged "Maybe she wants to make up for something in her past." He added his thoughts flicking back to her diary.

At this point Ruth decided to head downstairs. She quietly headed down the steps and reached the door of the kitchen where the voices were coming from.

"There could be many reasons" Ruth heard Maggie told Toby as she placed her hand on the door and pushed it open

"Hey Ruth" Maggie smiled as she spotted Ruth entering the room

"Oh Hi Ruth" Toby said blushing immediately reminding Ruth of a naughty school boy who'd just been caught doing something he shouldn't. "… are you… settling in ok?" he asked running a hand nervously through his hair

"Yeah" Ruth replied sharply "Thanks" she added quickly

"I was just about to put the kettle on" Maggie said quickly "Would you like a drink?"

"A coffee would be nice" Ruth said her eyes still watching Toby who seemed to be turning redder by the minute

"Toby?" Maggie asked making him jump which caused him to knock a pile of papers and books off the table.

"Damn" he muttered blushing more as he scrabbled around trying to reach all the papers.

"Toby you've got to be more careful" Maggie sighed rolling her eyes

"Sorry Maggie" Toby replied still blushing as he put the papers back on the table

"Do you want a drink or not?" Maggie asked

"No I'm ok thanks" Toby responded "I'm going to go take a shower" he added before quickly leaving out of the room.

"How do you take your coffee?" Maggie asked Ruth ignoring Toby's sudden disappearance.

"Black" Ruth replied

"Ok here you go then" Maggie said offering her the cup which she accepted gratefully.

"I'm going to go back to work" Ruth said after taking a sip of the coffee

"Ok then" Maggie said reluctantly Ruth knew she wanted to protest about her doing work but was trying not to "You'll have to let me know if there's anything you need" she added

"I will" Ruth replied as she left the room quickly.

A/n Sorry its taken a little while to get this up and sorry its not as long as the others tbh it's a bit of a filler chapter I promise the next one will be more eventful :), I've been busy at uni and I've been working loads and getting a little to drunk for my own good a fair bit too lol Hopefully the next chapter will be up sooner :)


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I Don't own Casualty or the Characters :(

Fix You

Chapter 6 

Ruth had always liked to keep to herself and the next two weeks living at Maggie's didn't change that. Although there was often something going on what with Joanne, Lana and Toby bustling noisily about the house as well as Maggie, Ruth spent most of her time in her room revising which helped her distract herself from the thoughts whizzing around her head convincing that it would be a good idea for her to swallow the prescription anti depressants, which she hadn't been taking and had instead been hiding in her top draw, along with the two packets of paracetemol tables hidden with them in one go. She had tried to pick herself back up a bit but was failing miserably, she had left the house to go shopping a couple of times and also to pick up her new prescription of anti depressants but she just felt tired and hopeless.

Ruth put down her book. She opened her top draw examining the contents

"Ruth?" Maggie yelled up the stairs. Ruth jumped up knocking the pot of pills flying. "are you ok?" she asked

"Fine" Ruth replied trying to pick the pills up before Maggie could see them

"Sorry to interrupt its just Toby said he…" Maggie started as she opened Ruth's bedroom door but she promptly stopped talking as she took in the scene in front of her, pills were scattered across the floor and Ruth was desperately trying to collect them all together. "Oh god Ruth…" Ruth stopped trying to collect the pills and instead looked up at Maggie. "How many have you taken." Maggie said immediately springing into Doctor mode and dropping to the floor next to Ruth

"None." Ruth replied quickly

"Please Ruth…" Maggie begged her "If you've taken any please tell me"

"I haven't" Ruth replied "I wanted to, but I haven't" she added ashamed

Maggie pulled Ruth into a tight hug, Ruth was initially shocked but then suddenly she couldn't help herself from letting the tears she'd been holding back fall. Maggie held the sobbing Ruth close for what seemed like forever before she broke the silence.

"You can talk to me you know, your not alone in this" Maggie told Ruth gently "You shouldn't keep it all bottled up inside."

"I don't want to make a fuss" Ruth replied sadly

"You wouldn't be making a fuss" Maggie told her comfortingly

"I just feel so…" Ruth started as she pulled out of the hug "Lost"

"Oh Ruth" Maggie said sadly as she started picking up the pills

"Have you been taking these at all?" Maggie asked examining the handfuls of anti depressants

"Erm… no" Ruth said looking at the floor

"Here" Maggie said passing Ruth one of the pills "Take it now, They aren't a miracle cure but you were prescribed them so that means it should help you feel a bit better" Ruth took the tablet and quickly swallowed it down with a gulp of water from the glass on her desk. "I'll put these somewhere safe and then you can't be tempted again." Ruth nodded sadly. "Your going to be ok" Maggie told her in a soft voice.

As Maggie left the room Ruth silently cursed to herself, she couldn't believe she'd broken down in front of Maggie.

A/n I figured I might as well post this already since its finished :) I also just wanted to say thanks to my reviewers! I'm glad to see people are enjoying my story :)


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own Casualty or the Characters :( Maggie and Toby wouldn't have left if I did :(

Fix You 

Chapter 7

A week passed quickly and after she started taking her anti depressants Ruth's mood improved quite a lot. But still she had been avoiding everyone especially Maggie as much as possible. Maggie however seemed to be trying to corner her and kept trying to make conversation with her, Ruth knew she was just trying to be friendly but that didn't stop her snapping at her during particular conversations, Maggie however didn't seemed to take it too personally and kept trying.

"You seem bright today" Maggie commented as Ruth helped herself to a coffee

"Yeah well I'm going to see if they will let me come back to work" Ruth told them cheerfully

"Are you sure you feel up to it?" Maggie asked thinking bout the Ruth who had sobbed into her shoulder for a good half hour just a week before.

"I need to be doing something, I can't just sit around here all the time…" Ruth told her Maggie an Toby exchanged looks which clearly expressed the fact they both believed she wasn't ready to go back to work.

"Well if your sure…" Maggie started "but maybe you should go and see one of the psy…"

"I don't need a psychologist to tell me what to do or anyone for that matter." Ruth told Maggie sharply "I know what I need and that is to get back into work."

"Well I'm not going to say I like the idea but if you think that's what you need you can go and talk to Zoe and see whether you can…" Maggie sighed

Ruth stepped out of Maggie's car as the three of them arrived at the hospital and hurried away from a worried Maggie and Toby to go and talk to Zoe. She headed straight up to her office and knocked on the door enthusiastically.

"Come in" Zoe's voice echoed from inside. Ruth immediately opened the door and stepped inside. "Ruth" Zoe said looking up "I wasn't expecting to see you back so soon"

"Well I feel like I'm ready to come back." Ruth told her "I'm sick of just hanging around at Maggie's with nothing to do."

"Well its not as simple as that Ruth, its barely been a month since you came round from a coma induced by hanging yourself, as far as I know you haven't been seeing a psychiatrist or councillor since you discharged yourself so there's no one to vouch that you are doing better and that also means you don't have any regular support for if you were to return." Zoe pointed out "I'd love to take you back straight away but its not going to be that simple"

"oh" Ruth said stunned she hadn't even considered that she wouldn't be allowed straight back in. She felt like needed to get back to work so she could recover. Not the other way round.

"I'm sorry Ruth." Zoe said sadly "here, if you get in touch with this guy he's one of the best psychiatrists at Holby, tell him I sent you and get yourself sorted then we'll get you back into work ok?"

"Yeah" Ruth said sadly "ok"

"You take care of yourself ok and I'll see you soon." Zoe smiled as Ruth silently left the office.

Ruth walked in a Daze downstairs and through the Emergency department, so she couldn't come back to work, she couldn't do anything, she was as useless as she had thought. Maybe they didn't want her back in case she killed even more people anyway. All sorts of thoughts ran through her mind from how useless she was to why hadn't she succeeded in killing herself and to the fact she believed she had nothing to live for anymore.

"Hey Ruth how did it go?" Toby asked as he spotted Ruth walking back through the emergency department. She ignored him and it only took one look at her face for Toby to realise she was pretty upset.

"Hey" Toby asked grabbing her arm which she pulled back

"What?" she snapped

"What happened?" Toby asked again

"What do you think?" Ruth replied irritably

"Are you ok?" Toby asked concerned "You can talk to me Ruth…"

"Why would I do that?" Ruth snapped

"Because I care…" Toby replied sadly

"No you don't" Ruth told him sharply

"I do…" Toby tried to convince her

"Well don't bother, I don't need your sympathy" She snapped "all I need is for everyone to leave me alone, I wish you and Abs had never found me."

"Please don't say that…" Toby said sadly

"Too late I already did." Ruth replied bluntly "Now go away and forget I ever existed"

"I can't" Toby told her defiantly

"Well you'll have to one day." Ruth said simply before turning back towards the doors to the department

"Ruth!" Toby yelled after her

"Goodbye Toby" Ruth said emotionlessly.

It only took Toby a minute to realise what Ruth was probably going to do. He immediately started running towards resus.

"Maggie!" He yelled as he entered both shocking the patients and staff who were working as usual

"Calm down Toby" Maggie said looking up from her patient "Lets take this outside, Adam can you take over here please"

Adam complied and took over Maggie's patient as she led a clearly worried Toby out of resus.

"Ok Toby what is it?" Maggie asked

"It's Ruth, I think she's going to try and do something stupid." Toby informed her worriedly, Maggie's face immediately turned white. "We have to stop her"

"Its ok Toby let's go back to the house and see if she's there" Maggie suggested trying to not let Toby see how worried she was, she knew Ruth was still not in a good place and if, as she suspected she would, Zoe had said no to her coming back to work she hated to think how far that could potentially push the young doctor.

Maggie quickly told Charlie where they were going as she left the department with Toby, both of them still in their scrubs, they headed to Maggie's car and she drove a quickly as possible back to the house. Toby leapt out of the car as she parked up and fumbled with his keys. He finally burst into the house as Maggie came up behind him.

"Ruth?" He yelled as he hurried inside. She didn't respond but he heard a small bang from the bathroom. Quickly he hurried up the stairs and knocked on the bathroom door. "Ruth?" He asked softly as Maggie came up behind him "Are you ok?"

"Fine" Ruth replied from behind the door

"Can I come in?" Toby asked

"No" Ruth replied quickly "Go away"

"Please Ruth just let us see your ok then we'll go away" Toby replied sadly

Toby heard a small sob come from inside the Bathroom. He exchanged a glance wit Maggie before decided he couldn't wait any longer and pushed the door open. He was not ready to see what he saw. His eyes widened at the scene in front of him, there was a small puddle of blood forming on the bathroom floor from two deep gashes, one on each of Ruth's wrists. One of the sharpest kitchen knives in the house was lying next to her its tip stained with her blood as well as a couple of empty paracetemol tablets packets. Ruth, too weak to move properly anymore was simply crying silently.

"I'll call an ambulance" Maggie said her face white "Toby find some towels and try and stop the bleeding"

Toby flopped down on the floor next to Ruth who immediately tried to move away from him but failed.

"Leave me alone" Ruth sobbed weakly

"That's the last thing I'm going to do." Toby said pressing the towels onto the wounds and holding them tightly as Ruth sobbed and tried to fight but because she was too weak she couldn't do anything other than let him. Toby was covered in her blood but he didn't care.

"The ambulance is on its way" Maggie told Toby as she appeared at he door

"Stay with us Ruth" Toby said softly as he spotted Ruth's eyelids starting to flicker

"Sorry" She managed to mumble as her eyelids closed

Maggie Hurried over to Toby's side as she fell unconscious.

"Lets get her laid down" Maggie said the doctor side of her taking over

"Maggie?" a familiar voice yelled up the stairs

"we're upstairs in the bathroom!" Maggie responded

Heavy footsteps echoed through the house as Dixie and Jeff appeared at the top of the stairs.

"What've we got?" Jeff asked looking over Ruth

"Two deep lacerations, one to each wrist along with a suspected paracetemol overdose." Maggie told him quickly "She's just passed out a couple of minutes ago until then she was awake and responsive"

"Right" Dixie replied as Jeff started applying the oxygen mask "You ok Tobes?" she added looking at the white faced F2

"Yeah" Toby muttered

"She's going to be fine mate" Jeff told him as he worked the oxygen mask "Lets get her in"

A shaking Toby took over the oxygen mask while Dixie and Jeff set to work applying temporary dressings and strapping her to the board ready to take her to the hospital.

Maggie took over from Toby as they carried Ruth downstairs and put her into the ambulance. Once she was safely on the trolley Dixie began connecting her to the machines as Jeff started up the ambulance.

"Step on it Jeff" Dixie said as the began to move, Toby instantly knew this meant Ruth was fading fast.

"Come on Ruth" he muttered quietly squeezing her hand as Dixie worked the oxygen mask. "Hang in there."

A/n: I'm SO sorry its taken me so long to update, I haven't had much inspiration for this story for a little while.. Thanks to all my reviewers, you guys keep me writing even when I cant think what to put! I'll try and get the next one up soon!


End file.
